THE PLEDGE-BREAKER'S SLURS: Part 2
Transcripts from Imus in the Morning
Philip Nobile is the editor of Judgment at the Smithsonian, which
printed the banned Smithsonian script on the 50th anniversary
of the Bombs of August in 1995.
MCGUIRK'S MOLDY OLDIE REMOTE
Imus: Good morning, Bernard.
McGuirk: Good morning, I-man. Yes, we are out here in bustling, boogie-down South Bronx, right between the elevated train and in the backdrop we have the Bronx Supreme Court, and we are speaking to the natives of the area (laughter) to see how they feel about everybody wantin' to move Yankee Stadium out of the place. Yo Jamie, what's up man, what do you think about moving Yankee Stadium out of the Bronx.
Man in street: Well, I feel personally born and raised in the Bronx it would be an insult to leave the Bronx because it wouldn't be a tradition no more.
McGuirk: Have you ever mugged anybody?
Man in street: Nah, I've been still.
McGuirk: Yeah, I hear ya. What do you think about Jerry Seinfeld burning the Puerto Rican flag?
Man in street: That's an insult. That's my stuff.
McGuirk: You want to stab him, don't you? (laughter)
Man in street: I'd stuff him up a couple of times if I could.
McGuirk: I hear you, homey. Take your [unintelligible], Colt 45 or Bud, yo. ... Bronx Borough President Fernando Ferrer ...
Ferrer: (interrupting) I thought I was going to meet Bernie Williams.
McGuirk: Do you ever sometimes feel like the mayor of Mogadishu? (laughter)
Ferrer: No, and I don't need any beer in the morning, thanks.
McGuirk: But how do you feel about Steinbrenner and everybody wanting to take Yankee Stadium out of the Bronx.
Ferrer: Well, if you talk about crime, 94 percent of the crime in this area is ticket scalping. The only crime you see here is the price of the tickets.
McGuirk: Are you drunk? (laughter)
*****
NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, October 14, 1998
In this new world, people tune in to Imus and hear a Sen. Alfonse D'Amato, for example, mocking Judge Lance Ito's supposed Japanese accent. They hear Howard Stern making outrageous remarks about blacks and Jews. There is no penalty for them, and even the victims don't object. NBC's Gwen Ifill was on "Imus" the other day even though, when she was in the New York Times' Washington bureau, Imus said of her: "Isn't the Times wonderful? It lets the cleaning lady cover the White House."
*****
PARODY OF CARDINAL EDWARD EGAN, September 22, 2000
Bernard McGuirk/"Bishop Egan": Nobody has the right to make fun of a man who broke eight ribs, broke a collar bone, collapsed a lung, busted up an arm and a bone popped through his skin, ah, bejesus will you look at this, I'm getting a boner, will you look at this for God's sake? (laughter) Down, boy, down.
Don Imus: Bishop Egan, this is uncalled for.
"Bishop Egan": Let me just say now that you're back in New York, Imus in the Morn', safely here, let's make sure of one thing, you don't fall off when you mouth Chuck McCord back in the newsroom, bejesus (laughter).
Imus: That will be fine. I resent that.
Charles McCord: That is hurtful.
"Bishop Egan": That is hurtful. But I did come up with a little tribute to the I-Man's return to New York from the West.
Imus: Oh good.
"Bishop Egan": It's a wee little poem, Imus in the Morn'.
Imus: I like these poems. I used to like 'em when Cardinal O'Connor did 'em, and I'm sure I'm gonna like 'em now that you, Bishop Egan, is doing them.
"Bishop Egan": We call this poem "Tex in the City."
Imus: Okay.
"Bishop Egan": "Tex in the City," Imus in the Morn': "The I-Man's back/He's still a force/I'm mostly glad/he fell off his horse/Boomore, Dietl, Joseph Abood/Grown men afraid of the scrany old dude/politicians and pundits/fear he'll cause them strife/But the I-Man is whipped/Afraid of his wife/He's a bad manajammer/He carries a gun/But some one will use it on 'im/Maybe his son/So the hell with the I-Man/Wrinkled up old fag/ We'll soon drink champagne/When he wears a toe-tag." Bejesus. [unintelligible]
Imus: This is so inappropriate that it's shocking.
"Bishop Egan": Let me say this, Imus-in-the-Morn'. It's great to see NBC's Olympics ratings goin' down faster than a De-troit crack ho, I tell you that. Surely it warms the cockles of me heart to see NBC's Dick Ebersol do a Greg Louganis off the terrace of his Sydney highrise hotel while his Asian hooker looks on screamin' and sobbin' hysterically, Imus in the Morn'. Are you with me McCord?
McCord: I'm with you, I'm with you, Bishop Egan.
"Bishop Egan": Good, now shut your mouth. What with all the skimpy leotards and [unintelligible] swimsuits out at the Olympics, Imus in the Morn', you see more genital outlines and butt cheeks than at the MTV Music Awards, bejesus, make you sick. Whatever happened to wearin' decent shorts, swimsuits, swim trunks to cover up, bejesus? Answer me this, Imus in the Morn'.
Imus: Sure.
"Bishop Egan": Ever watch the tight wee little girls in gymnastics and think impure thoughts?
Imus: No.
"Bishop Egan": Legs and heinies flyin' all over the place, bejesus (laughter). What is the answer now?
Imus: I said no.
"Bishop Egan": So it's only when the wee muscular little fellas in the men's gymnastics you get a little tingly over, Imus in the Morn', is that it?
Imus: No.
"Bishop Egan": Painkiller poppin' pervert, bejesus (laughter). And God bless Senator Joe Lieberman, Imus in the Morn'. Howdy-Dooody lookin', beanie-wearin' doofus that he is. His integrity vanished faster than a Los Alamos nuclear secret, Imus in the Morn'. And for what? For the glamour of bein' Al Gore and Hillary Clinton's photo-op Jew, bejesus. ... Don't think that bagel-eating buffoon will be happy in the White House bejesus, Imus in the Morn'. You know what happened the last time a Jew had easy access to the Oval Office? (laughter) Found it a little hard to swallow it herself, Imus in the Morn'. Bloody mess.
Imus: Aren't we getting to the end ...
"Bishop Egan": And that recent poll, that won't help. The poll that shows one in five Americans are still anti-Semitic. We know McCord was disappointed with those results. He thought the figure was much higher. That right, you four-eyed fascist bastard, bejesus.
Imus: That will be fine. ...
"Bishop Egan": Which doesn't belong and why?
Imus: Wait a minute, this is something the late Cardinal O'Connor used to do. I don't think ...
"Bishop Egan": Tryin' to fill those big shoes, Imus in the Morn'.
Imus: I know but I don't think you can blatantly rip him off . ..
"Bishop Egan": Which doesn't belong and why? A. Patrick Ewing, B. Hillary Clinton, and C. Imus in the Morn'? Which doesn't belong and why?
Imus: Clearly, Imus in the Morning.
"Bishop Egan": Wrong, you crippled old cockroach, bejesus. While all three haven't slept with a man in quite sometime (laughter), and have most New Yorkers wishin' that these personally repulsive interlopers would come down with the West Nile Virus or some damn thing, bejesus, the answer is B., Hillary Clinton doesn't belong, because unlike the other two, Ewing and Imus, Mike Lupica has never sniffed Hillary's jockstrap, bejesus.
Imus: That's certainly outrageous, the maiden voyage here of Bishop Egan on the Imus ...
*****
WALTER CRONKITE PARODY, November 4, 1999
"For Monday, November 1, CBS unleashed its counterattack, the debut program of the CBS 'Early Show' whose headline offering was the return to morning TV's primetime of the legendary Negro anchorman Bryant Gumbel. ... But to the 'Early Show' itself, program opens as do all the others, nice but bland graphics, some insipid theme music, open on anchors Bryant and Jane behind the usual desk, cut to the laughing-gas, fat black weatherman and run the credits (laughter). ... Lowpoint of a debut program positively lush with lowpoints, when chortling obese CBS weatherman, McCuen mimicked chortling, obese NBC weatherman Al Rocker swapped inane comments with the street-side audience."
*****
MCGUIRK PARODY OF CARDINAL EGAN, November 4, 1999
Bernard McGuirk/"Bishop Egan": How can you tell if a black woman is menstruating? If her boyfriend is wearing a sock.
*****
"LARRY KING LIVE," February 24, 2000
Jeff Greenfield: It is interesting to me, though, that when Bob Grant, a radio personality in New York referred to the former mayor, an African-American, as a washroom attendant, he was fired by ABC. And yet, on your show, people like Anna Quindlen, Senator Bill Bradley, the vice president of the United States, Joe Lieberman, people -- prominent journalists and not-so-prominent journalists come on your show. So they -- and I can't pretend to be neutral about this since I'm one of them. We don't seem to have a problem with that.
Don Imus: Well, I've never referred -- I mean, we don't say things like that to -- if we -- if something like that gets said -- and I don't think something like that hasn't been said, but it's an attempt to be humor -- to be funny. Now, it may not be an appropriate attempt to be funny, but it isn't a -- you know, if Bob Grant -- whatever he said -- I mean, if he's serious about it and it's a serious talk show and the guy is not trying to be funny, well then, that is offensive. You know, if people think that you're serious and you're making some serious pronouncement about the mayor being a washroom attendant, well, that is offensive so ...
Greenfield: The fact it's said in fun, it's like a friar's roast?
Imus: But I mean -- I don't know whether -- it would depend.
Greenfield: But that's what it seems to me like. It's like a friar's roast. It's one of those things where you -- political correctness is the enemy.
Imus: You can cite two or three examples over 30 years. Thirty years I've been on the radio -- of stuff that's been offensive. I mean -- or that's been -- you know -- so I mean -- they're going to have to get over it. Because, you know, I got black kids with cancer coming out to this ranch in New Mexico who don't think I'm a racist. And the people who are accusing me of being a racist haven't [given a dime] to any charity in their lifetime and -- I mean, so it's outrageous. I mean, it offends me, and I'm not going to put up with it. I don't put up with it. It's silly.
Greenfield: We'll be back in a minute.
Published: Jun 25 2001
