THE CATHOLIC LEAGUE'S SILENCE
Imus in the Morning Transcript
Philip Nobile is the editor of Judgment at the Smithsonian, which
printed the banned Smithsonian script on the 50th anniversary
of the Bombs of August in 1995.
BISHOP EGAN: Nobody has the right to make fun of a man who broke eight ribs, broke a collar bone, collapsed a lung, busted up an arm and a bone popped through his skin, ah, bejeesus will you look at this, I'm getting a boner, will you look at this for God's sake? [Laughter.] Down, boy, down.
IMUS: Bishop Egan, this is uncalled for.
BISHOP EGAN: Let me just say now that you're back in New York, Imus in the Morn', safely here, let's make sure of one thing, you don't fall off when you mouth Chuck McCord back in the newsroom, bejesus. [Laughter.]
IMUS: That will be fine. I resent that.
CHARLES MCCORD: That is hurtful.
IMUS: That is hurtful.
BISHOP EGAN: But I did come up with a little tribute to the I-Man's return to New York from the West.
IMUS: Oh good.
BISHOP EGAN: It's a wee little poem, Imus in the Morn'.
IMUS: I like these poems. I used to like 'em when Cardinal O'Connor did 'em, and I'm sure I'm gonna like 'em now that you, Bishop Egan, is doing them.
BISHOP EGAN: We call this poem "Tex in the City."
BISHOP EGAN: "Tex in the City," Imus in the Morní: "The I-Man's back/He's still a force/I'm mostly glad/he fell off his horse/Boomore, Dietl, Joseph Abood/Grown men afraid of the scrawny old dude/politicians and pundits/fear he'll cause them strife/But the I-Man is whipped/Afraid of his wife/He's a bad manajammer/He carries a gun/But someone will use it on 'im/Maybe his son/So the hell with the I-Man/Wrinkled up old fag/ We'll soon drink champagne/When he wears a toe-tag." Bejesus. [Unintelligible.]
IMUS: This is so inappropriate that it's shocking.
BISHOP EGAN: Let me say this, Imus in the Morní. It's great to see NBC's Olympics ratings goin' down faster than a De-troit crack ho, I tell you that. Surely it warms the cockles of me heart to see NBC's Dick Ebersol do a Greg Louganis off the terrace of his Sydney highrise hotel while his Asian hooker looks on screamin' and sobbin' hysterically, Imus in the Morní. Are you with me, McCord?
CHARLES MCCORD: I'm with you, I'm with you, Bishop Egan.
BISHOP EGAN: Good, now shut your mouth. What with all the skimpy leotards and [unintelligible] swimsuits out at the Olympics, Imus in the Morní you see more genital outlines and butt cheeks than at the MTV Music Awards, bejesus, make you sick. Whatever happened to wearin' decent shorts, swimsuits, swim trunks to cover up, bejesus? Answer me this, Imus in the Morní.
BISHOP EGAN: Ever watch the tight wee little girls in gymnastics and tink impure thoughts?
BISHOP EGAN: Legs and heinies flyin' all over the place, bejesus. [Laughter.] What is the answer now?
IMUS: I said no.
BISHOP EGAN: So it's only when the wee muscular little fellas in the mens gymnastics you get a little tingly over, Imus in the Morní, is that it?
BISHOP EGAN: Painkiller poppin' parvert, bejesus. [Laughter.] And God bless Senator Joe Lieberman, Imus in the Morní, Howdy-Dooody lookiní, beanie-weariní doofus that he is. His integrity vanished faster than a Los Alamos nuclear secret, Imus in the Morní. And for what? For the glamour of bein' Al Gore and Hillary Clinton's photo-op Jew, bejesus. ... Don't think that bagel-eating buffoon will be happy in the White House bejesus, Imus in the Morní. You know what happened the last time a Jew had easy access to the Oval Office? [Laughter.] Found it a little hard to swallow it herself, Imus in the Morní. Bloody mess.
IMUS: Aren't we getting to the end ...
BISHOP EGAN: And that recent poll, that won't help. The poll that shows one in five Americans are still antisemitic. We know McCord was disappointed with those results. He thought the figure was much higher. That right, you four-eyed fascist bastard, bejesus.
IMUS: That will be fine. ...
BISHOP EGAN: Which doesn't belong and why?
IMUS: Wait a minute, this is something the late Cardinal O'Connor used to do. I don't think...
BISHOP EGAN: Tryin' to fill those big shoes, Imus in the Morní.
IMUS: I know but I don't think you can blatantly rip him off. ...
BISHOP EGAN: Which doesn't belong and why? A. Patrick Ewing, B. Hillary Clinton, and C. Imus in the Morní? Which doesn't belong and why?
IMUS: Clearly, Imus in the Morning.
BISHOP EGAN: Wrong, you crippled old cockroach, bejesus. While all three haven't slept with a man in quite some time [laughter], and have most New Yorkers wishin' that these personally repulsive interlopers would come down with the West Nile Virus or some damn thing, bejesus, the answer is B., Hillary Clinton doesn't belong, because unlike the other two, Ewing and Imus, Mike Lupica has never sniffed Hillary's jockstrap, bejesus.
IMUS: That's certainly outrageous, the maiden voyage here of Bishop Egan on the Imus ...
Published: Oct 25 2000